My Hero

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So I made a list of the most memorable songs in my life growing up, which I was lucky growing up in the era of Smashing Pumpkins etc. So here’s my top songs/artists:

1. The Smiths

2. The Smashing Pumpkins- 1979

3. Foo Fighters- My Hero

4. Tom’s Diner

5. Cranberries- Zombie

6. Oasis- Wonderwall

7. The Wallflowers- One Headlight

8. Nirvana- Teen Spirit

9. Social Distortion- Ball & Chain

10. Alanis Morissette- Head over feet

ETC.ETC.

As I was driving home from work, I don’t listen to these artists much anymore. So I thought “you know what? I want to hear some Smashing Pumpkins.” It had been a long busy day at work, and I was hyper as all get out, which is why I figured why not feed into MORE of my hyper chord. I chose Smashing Pumpkins radio on my Pandora and “Tonight Tonight” was playing. I desperately tried remembering the lyrics, no dice. Then I started pondering, asking God what’s the next step for me? Where am I going in my life? Then a feeling of distaste arose in my heart for having this music on. For the most part I have gotten rid of most the skeletons in my closet. Still asking everyday for God to strengthen and renew my mind, however. To be honest listening to the Smashing Pumpkins just wasn’t fulfilling, and it was SO WEIRD. Randomly enough I just smiled and drove on without question.

Absolutely, floored from this experience my husband wanted some cookies so I eagerly agreed I’d hit up Kroger down the street. Round 2 with Smashing Pumpkins radio. I turn it on and Oasis “Wonderwall” comes on, ok this is good stuff, I’ll keep it here. My mind starts swirling as always and I’m reminiscing about writing, and creating, and what’s next in my life, and that book I should probably be writing about my crazy life… That gets interrupted once the chorus comes on and I belt out the good ol’ lyrics of “Wonderwall.”I get in and get out of the Krog, with chocolate chip cookies and some skim milk, get back in Harry the Hatchback (my mazda) and turn on Smashing Pumpkins radio again, this time Foo Fighters “My Hero” is on. Of course I have to keep it on this song, it’s a classic, reminds me of some good times, one in particular a friend dedicated this to me on a long road trip saying it reminded her of me. Which was awesome, and I specifically remember being so embarrassed, I never really told her how much that meant to me. It meant a lot.

As I sat there listening to the lyrics I couldn’t help to think how progressively roped in “little by little” I was, and getting pulled back into making excuses to why this is ok and how I used to listen to this music all the time. At this point I’m thinking about how my best friend dedicated this song, TO ME, saying I was her hero at one point, and how little I believed in myself as a “hero.” A hero has so much integrity and desire, things I have, but have lacked for so long.

After, winning the college world series for softball, I started on a downward spiral headed no where. Sadly to say it started when I was young with music, ladies and gentlemen. I used to hide my music from my mom even though she usually found it. I became pretty sneaky to get away with what I wanted even though I knew it wasn’t right, and even though being a “believer” I was as COUNTERFEIT CHRISTIAN as they came. It’s been a struggle for many years with lots of ups and downs, sorrow, heartache, self-worth issues, lots of self-pitying and this is all coming from someone who has a national champion title, holds tons of records at ASU, and played for TEAM USA. NO ONE KNEW. NO ONE KNOWS STILL the extent of it at least. I’m sure people guessed, and could read the deep rooted pain I felt in my heart. The crazy part is I never had to live like that, I chose to because I didn’t know how else to get myself out “feeling” that way (and yes it is only a feeling, nothing else other than that, feelings are a choice). There was no “Good News” in my life even though I was surrounded with an epic professional career, lots of money, a big house, a Range Rover, the works… Still no joy.

Until I realized everyone is struggling, everyone is broken, but it’s a choice to keep living a life with “poop falling from the sky!” So make the choice, bust out that umbrella and keep that poo schnickens from hitting you!!!

Start by making good choices, start out small like I did. Find a church that’s giving you the word of God not another story or sermon to fill you up for the week. Get baptized & saved and allow God to love you unlike anyone has ever loved you before. I dare you.

And by all means, stop using the stupid excuse that ALL CHRISTIANS JUDGE!!!!!!! Unfortunately, we all do and if you think you don’t then buy a mirror sister. We all need to check ourselves before we wreck ourselves and start LOVING one another instead of trying to tear everyone down. If you have to ask someone whether it’s right or wrong, I’ve learned (the hard way) it’s probably WRONG. Like Forest Gump says, “Stupid is as stupid does,” stop playing the dumb card, it’s getting old.

If you don’t believe me and you think this is nonsense, then start noticing the little things around you that are tough to be without, but even to you, raise the question if it’s wrong. Then ask yourself if you’d let your little sister/brother or grandparent in on it. For instance, songs talking about how they want to “kill a b*t%h” “f some hoes” seriously? What about violent video games? For example, ask ANY war vet about PTSD, what it REALLY means to have to kill a 5 year old boy with a bomb strapped to his chest. All the years of trauma and pain they deal with from those memories, and you think you are stronger than your flesh to handle violent video games and listen to degrading music? WAKE UP CALL, YOU’RE NOT. NO ONE IS. NOT EVEN ME. There isn’t a single soul on this planet that can do it all themselves, and if you think you do you are probably 1. Very Selfish or 2. Have so much pride, lions wouldn’t even roll with you

Use your mind for something special, don’t let evil take a hot steamy crap up there and permeate your soul. This is real. My commitment has been to cut out things that aren’t affecting my life in a positive manner. Music being one of them… It’s no different than food, filthy movies, cursing, porn, alcohol, take the stand. It really makes me stop to think how powerful God really is, and how we cannot fathom His grace, because we are so wrapped up in ourselves here on earth. The devil has a party in hell every time we fail, and even though we fail, God still wants to take you back.

Take a stand for what you believe in, be a hero in someone else’s life and stop just living for your own.

Romans 15:1-2

1 We then that are strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak, and not to please ourselves.

2 Let every one of us please [his] neighbour for [his] good to edification.

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